ASK BRITTANY: he said he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but I’m his girl?

Dear Brittany: I’ve been talking to this guy for a little while who I’ve known for years. This week he just told me that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, but that I’m his girl? Whatever that means. I just can’t seem to shake him. I can tell myself I don’t need him but then I find myself calling him and texting him and feeling stupid. I’m really not sure what to do about him.

It sounds to me like this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too. Ask yourself this question… What exactly qualifies you to be “his girl?” Are you seeing him on demand, feeding him, having sex with him, or doing relationship activities with him? What are you doing that gives him the right to declare “you are my girl?” Whatever it is you are doing, it’s making him feel entitled to believe that you belong to him.

Now my next question is, why are you doing these things when you are not his girlfriend? He probably figures, well what’s the point of making you my girlfriend when we’re already doing relationship things outside of a relationship? He gets ALL the benefits of having you, but doesn’t have to remain faithful to you, doesn’t have to respect your wishes, and doesn’t have to claim you to the world. Sounds like a win, win on his end! He is SINGLE to the world, but gets to have you behind closed doors. Don’t be that girl!

Now if this guy is someone you really really like, then my advice would be to tell him straight up, “if you are single, then so am I.” Don’t wait around for someone to see your worth. You guys can hang out every so often, but as friends. Don’t be so easily accessible to him. Right now he thinks he has you on LOCK so prove him wrong. Trust me, once he sees that you’re not picking up his every phone call and that he no longer gets the relationship benefits that he was receiving before, he’ll start getting nervous that he’s lost “his girl.”

I think you should always let the man pursue the relationship. Let him chase you. And again, if he can’t see that you are worth a relationship, then drop him! There is no point in wasting your precious time.  What if you’re ignoring, or preventing yourself from meeting your soulmate because you’re too busy trying to catch this man’s attention?

I believe that God made someone specifically for each and every one of us. So if this guy isn’t the one, then there is someone else on this earth that is. Until you find your soulmate, work on yourself. Take care of your mind, body, and tackle your goals. I promise, you won’t die as a single old lady with 30 cats. Date the man who sees your worth without you having to remind him.

Sincerely,

Brittany Kayla

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How To: Love Yourself Before Loving Someone Else

They say you must first love yourself before you can love someone else. And when you do, you’ll find someone that loves you just as much. Well, what does that even mean? Does that mean looking in the mirror and being happy or content with what you see?

One who is insecure knows that loving yourself is a lot easier said than done. Often times, the more insecure a person is, the easier it is to latch onto others for happiness and validation. It’s also common to stay with that person no matter what physical harm or emotional damage they may cause. Because without someone there to feed their personal validation, they would feel lost. This is the result of loving your significant other more than you love yourself.

But how do you love yourself?

I came across a tweet the other day that stated, “Ya’ll love girls who don’t oil their scalp. How they gone love you if they don’t love themselves?” I pondered on this concept and thought about how silly it was to equate oiling your scalp to loving yourself. However, the more I thought about it, I realized that the girl was right. When you really love something, you take care of it. So when you  love yourself, you will invest in yourself. Singles… pay attention.

Take care of yourself physically. Workout and eat the right foods, drink more water, wash your face with your favorite mask, and do treatments to your hair. If you are investing into your health, you’ll feel refreshed, you’ll naturally glow, and you’ll feel energized.

It is also important to invest in your future. If you’re working, keep grinding and save up for your goals. If you’re in school, keep studying until you achieve that degree! Invest into your future and invest into your goals.

Do what makes you happy. I love writing and painting. I also love being alone and watching Netflix! My alone time keeps me sane, so sometimes I’ll take a raincheck on plans with friends so I can feel balanced and stress free. Take a break from life and find a hobby that you personally enjoy.

Learn to put yourself first and you will begin to truly love yourself. It’s not easy, but when you invest into your body, skin, and hair… perfect your craft, achieve your goals, and do what you love; you will reach your full potential. Once you feel like you are the best version of yourself possible, your boo will come along. Until then, enjoy YOUR life!

With love,

Brittany Kayla

 

3 keys you’ll need to maintain a successful relationship

1. Communication

As much as you think your partner knows about you, they cannot and will not read your mind! They are going to do things that get under your skin from time to time… that’s inevitable. But it’s important to let them know exactly what it is that’s bothering you, when it first starts to bothers you, so they can never say you didn’t tell them. However, make sure you aren’t over exaggerating. No one wants to be with someone that complains about the littlest things every day. Your partner will eventually feel like nothing they do will ever be good enough for you.

As it’s crucial to share your issues, make sure you are also communicating when they are doing something right, so they can continue to effortlessly put a smile on your face.

2. Make the necessary changes

It can be over something big or small, but if your partner is communicating an issue with you about something you are doing, then you need to make the necessary changes regarding that behavior. If you don’t do this, then you will find yourself having the same exact argument over and over again.

Often times, the problem here is that you can’t seem to understand why your actions are hurting your partner. Try visualizing the situation from their point of view. How would you feel if they did to you what you did to them? Even then, you still might not find fault in your behavior. But if you really love them, you would at least take their feelings into consideration and come up with some sort of compromise between the two of you that will make you both comfortable and happy.

3. Honesty

The final key to a successful relationship is honesty, especially when it comes to important matters. If you aren’t happy anymore, be honest and communicate exactly why that is. Don’t wait until it’s too late or till after you’ve hurt them to start being honest about why you did what you did. Don’t sugarcoat a situation that has the potential to make or break your relationship.

Most relationships fail because of the amount of petty issues that pile up without getting resolved. A successful relationship requires effort and compromise from both parties. Take these three essential keys into consideration, and share them with your partner to ensure your relationship remains strong and healthy!

xo, Brittany Kayla

Before You Commit, Keep This In Mind…

In this generation, finding a faithful man is almost like finding a citizen that returns a missing wallet instead of stealing it. They just aren’t expected anymore. Rather than loyalty being the ordinary, women are now getting into relationships with the expectation of getting hurt. And it seems like the faithful men want a cookie for doing what they are supposed to be doing.

Through personal experience, I’ve realized you have to go into a relationship with your guard up. A lot of men will be purely infatuated with you. They will love the idea of you. They will love the way you look. They will fall in lust. They will want to hurry up and take you off the market before any other man could get to you. He will probably hit you with the lines, “Your ex is stupid, and if I am lucky enough to have you, I would never mess it up.” You’ll give him the time of day, and he’ll do whatever it takes to keep you there. He might even prematurely confess his love for you. Talk about a life with you. A family with you. Vacations with you.

But eventually, that fascination, lust, or “love” will become expired. He might have thought he really loved you. But what he didn’t realize was that his love was infatuation. The inevitable temporary, puppy love honeymoon phase.

However, when you come across the right one, it will never expire. Fifty years can pass and he will still look at you the same as the day he met you.

Patience is the key.

It can be so easy to commit yourself to the person who seems like a “dream come true” shortly after a break up. Don’t do it. This is infatuation. Give it time before you commit to someone new.

And when you do find the one you really want, give it some more time. Keep your guard up for a few months before committing.  If he really wants you, he will do everything in his power to keep you. Get past the honeymoon stage, and see if the love is still fresh. See if he still gives you that feeling. Or if it was just infatuation.

Lastly, do not do “wifey” things for a man that is not yours. You’re giving it up, feeding him, doing what he asks, when he asks. Why commit when he can have his cake and eat it too?

Mr. Right is out there, you just have to be patient. Even when you think you’ve found him, wait it out! Allow him time to reveal each side of him. The reason why it’s so hard for girls to leave toxic relationships, is because they’ve ignored all of the red flags in the beginning… commit, and become attached. Take your time.

Love,

Brittany Kayla

“Every time I date someone new, I end up hurt…”

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I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, and she was telling me about a conversation she had with her mom. Her mother said, “Don’t you wish food could be opposites? Like healthy food was bad for you and junk food was good for you?” And my friend’s response was, “No, because if the roles were reversed, we would probably crave the bad food anyway just because we’re not supposed to have it.” And then I thought about it. Maybe she was right. Maybe, we naturally want what we should not have.

Women that constantly get hurt by every man they date, might be able to correlate their choice of men to junk food. The stuff that looks oh so good and gives you that warm sense of satisfaction, but ends up being detrimental to your health in the long run. Some of us… need to go on a diet.

When one goes on a diet, they are usually doing so to become the best version of themselves possible. They’ll start eating more veggies, which might not taste or look the best, but at the end of the day will be the most beneficial to them. Of course, the beginning will always be hard. You might see that piece of chocolate, and will be tempted to give up. However, those that really want to look and feel their best, will stick through it.

Now let’s correlate this to a relationship. We might not want to date out of our preference range. But imagine if you changed your psychology for one day. Picture a man that is not your “type.”  Imagine if you looked at him differently and gave him a chance. Imagine if this is the man that ends up assisting in making you the best version of yourself possible while also making you the happiest girl on earth. Imagine if this guy is the one for you.

Sooner or later, you won’t even see it as a diet. Because, think about it. When most people on diets get used to their routine, it becomes a lifestyle rather than an inconvenient attempt at losing weight. Fast, fatty foods are no longer desirable.

Maybe you’ll have a different eye for him after a while. You’ll see the beauty in him. You’ll see a different person than what you saw before. And you won’t even crave the bad stuff anymore, because you’ll see more than that.

Maybe the problem is your inability to date outside of your preference. Good guys come in all shapes and sizes. Don’t overlook your blessing.

With love,

Brittany Kayla